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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24851098">Impact</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueberriesAndBubbles/pseuds/BlueberriesAndBubbles'>BlueberriesAndBubbles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Alcohol, Anger Management, Angst, Derek Hits Spencer, Drunk Spencer, Fights, Happy Ending?, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Reid or Morgan tho, Suicide Attempt, kind of.., mentions of drug abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:08:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,653</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24851098</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueberriesAndBubbles/pseuds/BlueberriesAndBubbles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek has been struggling with his anger and one day, when Spencer is the one acting particularly short, Derek gets pissed and starts a fight with him.  In the heat of the moment, Derek does the one thing he never imagined he would...  He hits Spencer.</p><p>He needs to make it right, but what if he is too late?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>339</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Angsty Angst Times, Just.... So cute...</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Spencer!  Come back here!"  Derek yelled, clenching his fists as he followed Reid into the kitchen. </p><p>Spencer didn't reply, he simply remained quiet as he began brewing a part of coffee, despite it being 9pm.  Derek had been...  angry those past few months, it was a struggle to handle his anger, but he almost never took it out on Reid.  Those last couple weeks though, one thing after another had happened to tear them both to their breaking points, resulting in a fight every day. From an awful case involving kids, to Strauss getting on their asses over every decision they make, every piece of paperwork they file.  That morning, Spencer had gotten a call, one he had been expecting for years, but it didn't make it any less painful.</p><p>It was from Bennington, where his mother was staying.  She had gotten worse, a lot worse.  Her doctor called Spencer to inform him that she had a fit and attempted to kill herself, when they mentioned Spencer to calm her down (A typically useful and effective method), she didn't know who he was and became more frantic.  Spencer had decided not to tell Derek about the call, his lover had been so stressed out, he didn't need more on his shoulder's from Spencer's problems.  He typically kept Derek as far away from anything having to do with his mother because of the pain and stress he's faced from her, he never wanted that for Derek.  Despite keeping the heart wrenching news to himself, it had spoiled any attempt he planned to make at being happy that day.</p><p>He had been closed off the entire day, progressively becoming more irritable as his never-ending brain cursed him with the images of his mother trying slit her own wrists.  He couldn't help but be short with everyone through the work day of paperwork.  By the time they got home, Morgan was effectively pissed off at Reid who had snapped at him twice in front of the team.</p><p>"Fucking look at me!"  Derek yelled, his voice overflowing with rage. </p><p>"Stop, Derek."  Spencer said, releasing a sigh.  He was tired, he was so tired and everything hurt.</p><p>"No, you snapped at me twice over nothing, I didn't do anything to you.  In front of the team too!  They all think we are having issues now, do you know how embarrassing that is, Spencer!?  You humiliated me at work!"  Derek roared, his jaw clenching as he stared at the back of his lovers well-used grey cardigan.  In his current state of anger, he didn't process that it was Spencer's moms old cardigan that he had kept since he had her hospitalized, the same one he always wore when he was in a fragile state.</p><p>"I'm sorry.."  Spencer whispered, he hung his head as he waited for the coffee to brew, praying that Derek would drop it.  Part of him just wanted to be left alone, the other part wanted to feel his strong lover wrap his large arms around him.  He wanted to feel secure, he needed something, anything, it was all just too loud in his head.</p><p>"That's it!?  You're sorry!?  What the hell was wrong with you today, man?"  Derek pushed, completely unaware of just how close Reid was to breaking.</p><p>"Please, Derek.."  Spencer said, barely keeping his voice from wavering.</p><p>"No!  You don't get to do that.  I want a real fucking answer from you!  You don't get to snap at me in front of our friends and then come back to my apartment with me and ignore me!"  </p><p>"Your apartment?  You told me this was our apartment.."  Reid said quietly.  He felt as though he really was the camel in that metaphor.  He didn't typically turn to metaphors, but in the moment, Derek really was about to be that last straw.  He was already preparing himself for it all to break him.</p><p>"Maybe if you'd actually move your shit from your apartment, this could be ours.  Oh, wait, you're too afraid of commitment for that!"  Derek laughed bitterly.</p><p>"You know I've been going through things, but I'm still figuring out how to handle my boo-"</p><p>"Your books!  I know, that is always your excuse!  I told you that I would build you your own fucking library and yet you still wont pack them up!  I am ready to do anything for you, yet you won't put some books in boxes and then you yell at me in the office!"  Derek yelled, his voice tight.</p><p>"I'll pack them up this weekend."  Spencer promised.</p><p>"You can go pack them up now."  Derek hissed out.</p><p>"What?"  Spencer asked in disbelief. </p><p>"Unless you want to explain why you acted like an asshole today, get out of my apartment and go pack up your books."  Derek said, his eyes piercing through Spencer's already breaking heart.</p><p>"Derek, please..  I just..  I just want to go to bed, can we please go to bed?"  Spencer pleaded, he couldn't do this, he was too close to breaking to do this.</p><p>"Go to bed?  Go sleep in your own apartment if you aren't going to fucking explain yourself!"  Derek found himself yelling even louder as his fist made contact with the wall.</p><p>Spencer stood shocked as he watched his boyfriend punch the wall, he knew he should just leave, let Derek cool down while he tries to process his mothers condition in his own time.  He knew that's what he should have done, but instead he reached for Derek's arm.  He wasn't sure why, after what he watched Derek do, he had no clue why he thought he should touch him.  He did, though.  He reached out and touched Morgans shoulder, but the older man immediately jerked away, glaring at Spencer as if he hated him.  The look made the genius flinch, Derek had never looked at him like that.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Derek please don't make me go to my apartment right now.  Just.."  <em>Hold me.  Just hold me please.</em></p><p>"I can't deal with you right now, Spencer, I need some space, go to your fucking apartment!"  Derek growled, his eyes still dark.</p><p>"You need space?  Are- are you breaking up with me?"  Spencer pushed, he knew he should just leave, but his pounding heart told him to stay, he couldn't be alone.</p><p>"I'm not breaking up with you, don't start throwing your abandonment issues into this, just fucking leave, Reid!"  The use of his last name made Spencer's stomach churn, his heart aching. </p><p>"Derek, you aren't being reasonable!  You can't just shove me away because I didn't act how you wanted me to!"  Spencer snapped, now he was yelling.  This wasn't their first screaming match, not after the past few tense weeks.</p><p>"GET THE FUCK OUT!"  Derek roared, his voice booming in the apartment, surely disturbing neighbors.</p><p>"NO!  This is our apartment, books or not, I am not leaving so that we can spend the night mad at each other!"  Spencer yelled back, taking step towards Derek.</p><p>Everything happened too quick for Spencer to even understand it.  One second, he was yelling and stepping towards Derek, the next Derek was raising his hand and there was a sudden burning sting across the left side of his face.  He staggered back a few steps.  Disbelief was the only thing he could feel.  Had Derek just hit him?  He had, the heat and pain radiating from his face was testament to that.  Derek stared back at him, his fists clenching and his jaw locked.  Spencer felt tears stinging his eyes, the familiar sensation bringing back memories of all the times his mother would get confused and hit him, it was a common occurrence after his dad left.  He found himself frozen, staring at Derek with a reddened cheek and tears rolling down his face.</p><p>Derek's face softened and his eyes flooded with guilt when realization dawned on him, "Fuck, Spence-"  It was Derek's voice that prompted Spencer to move, skillfully avoiding the larger mans attempt to catch him as he ran to the front door, opening it and rushing out, making his way down the stairs and bolting out of the apartment complex. </p><p>Derek stood still for a moment before it fully sank in what he had just done.  He had hit Spencer.  <em>I</em><em> just hit Spencer</em>. </p><p>He hit the love of his life when he was begging to stay with him.  The image of Spencer's cheek red with his hand-print and tears streaming down his face would forever be burned into his mind. He needed to get Spencer, he needed to fix this, if he even could.  He found himself running out of his apartment, but by the time he made his way outside the complex, Spencer was nowhere to be seen.</p><p>"Dammit!"  Derek yelled, causing people walking across the street to stare at him shocked.</p><p>He pulled out his phone and tried to call his lithe lover, but after several rings, it went to voicemail, he waited for the beep with a racing heart.</p><p>"Spence, god I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean to hit you, please at least let me know that you are safe.  I don't want you out alone in the state you're in.  Please- just at least stay with someone on the team, let one of them help.  I'm sorry."  Derek spoke urgently into the phone.  He could feel the wetness on his own cheeks.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Three hours.  He had spent three hours pacing his apartment and calling Spencer's phone only to be sent to voicemail.  He was getting scared, terrified even.  Spencer was in no position to be out alone, distraught, upset.  Derek couldn't help but feel fear grip his insides at the idea of Spencer going out to score, the image of his lover passed out high in an alleyway made him shiver.  He needed to know where he was.  He did the only thing he could; he called Garcia.  It was past midnight, but it only took two rings till she answered, her voice a soothing melody on the other end of the phone.</p><p>"Chocolate Thunder, you better have a good reason for calling me at this time, I could have a handsome hunk waiting to ravage me right now."  Garcia jokingly growled into the phone.</p><p>"Uh huh, and do you?"  Derek asked, feeling himself smile the first time since he had woken up that day.</p><p>"...What do you need?" Her eye roll could be heard in her tone. </p><p>"I need you to track Reid's phone.  No questions."  Derek said, his voice said no nonsense. </p><p>"Uhhh that makes me want to ask questions.."  Garcia mumbled, shuffling coming through the phone.</p><p>"Garcia.."  Derek sighed out.</p><p>"Don't worry, I have my computer booted up, I'm looking for boy wonder now..."  Derek could hear the familiar click clack of his technical goddess typing away. </p><p>"Hurry, please.." </p><p>"I am!  Okay...  Looks like baby genius is.. at a bar, real close to your apartment actually!  It's called-"</p><p>"Lucky Pints...  Yeah I know the place, thanks baby girl."  Derek said, hanging up before she could reply. </p><p>--</p><p>--</p><p>--</p><p>He was getting out of his truck outside the bar before he even had a plan, his mind buzzing with anticipation of seeing Spencer in god knows what condition.  Walking into the joint, his eyes scanned the slightly crowded space, but immediately landed on Spencer who was in a booth in the corner of the room, he looked awful.  His hair was even more of a mess than usual and his clothes were rumpled, there were empty glasses at his table and he looked to be struggling to hold up conversation with the man sitting next to him.  Wait..  There was a man sitting closely next to Spencer, too close.  It was when he wrapped his arm around the drunk genius that Derek took off towards the corner, seeing red.</p><p>"I'll take you back to my place, baby, take care of you.."  The man cooed, cupping Spencer's jaw with one hand and sliding his hand over the lithe mans thigh with his other.  Spencer pulled away from the man, shaking his head and mumbling something, though it sounded like gibberish. The most Derek could hear was "<em>No- D'rk- need him- stop-"</em></p><p>When the man didn't retreat but only press himself closer against Spencer, speaking in a dominating manner when you said, "I'm taking you home cutie." Derek quickly approached in a defensive manner.</p><p>"Actually, you'll leave him where he is. Get out of here."  Derek snarled, holding up his badge.  The mans eyes widened and he took off, mumbling something about the kid being too drunk to have much fun anyway. </p><p>"Spencer..."  Derek said softly, moving into the seat next to the young man who had tipped his head back, unaware of his surroundings. </p><p>Derek waved over one of the waitresses.</p><p>"Can I get you anything, sir?"  She asked with a smile.</p><p>"No, thank you.  How much has he had to drink?"  Derek asked, gesturing to the limp man beside him.</p><p>"I'm not exactly sure, he was cut off though, he spent awhile at the bar before he moved here, poor thing started sobbing for awhile before a different man came up to him, got him to calm down.  Figured he knew him."  She said gently.</p><p>"He did not know him, I'm his boyfriend.  Did he say anything once he started to get drunk?"  Derek asked hesitantly, he wanted to know if in his state, Reid had shared what had been wrong with him that day to begin with.</p><p>"Mmm, not much, but I won't ever forget when he basically begged me to call my mom, he said I should talk to her while I still can.  It broke my heart, he really started drinking em' down after that.."  She said sadly.</p><p>"Alright, thank you.  I'm going to take him home, just charge my card for whatever he had."  Derek said, handing the girl his card.</p><p>After getting his card back and giving the girl a generous tip, he half carried Spencer out of the bar, getting him settled into the passenger side of his truck.  He had a much more difficult time getting Reid into his apartment where he managed to lay the boy down on the couch.  He took off his shoes and made sure he was comfortable.  It was only then that he noticed the cardigan Reid was wearing.  He thought back to what the waitress had said about Spencer telling her to call his mom.</p><p>"Spence, baby.."  Derek whispered, brushing his fingers across Spencer's cheek which was no longer red from when Derek had hit him.  He brushed the curls out of his eyes and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. </p><p>"Derek?"  Spencer asked, his voice sounded young, confused.  He was so far gone.</p><p>"Yeah, baby, it's me.  You're okay, I'm here, god, I'm so sorry I hurt you.."  Derek felt tears roll down his cheeks, he couldn't believe what he had done.</p><p>He never wanted to see the look Spencer had on his face after Derek had struck him.</p><p>"..'is okay..  m'sorry made you mad.."  Spencer slurred, his head lolling to the side so he was facing Derek who was crouched down next to him.</p><p>"No no, you have nothing to be sorry for.  You did nothing wrong, my love, my life."  Derek promised, kissing the tip of Spencer's nose, making the man giggle before groaning in agony.</p><p>It wasn't a physical pain, it was emotional.  He was in emotional agony.</p><p>"Baby, what happened with your mom?"  Derek asked carefully, was it it morally acceptable to question Spencer when he was too out of it to say no?</p><p>"She tried to leave me.."  Spencer began crying, sobs wracking his small frame, tears running down his face as he struggled to take in breaths.</p><p>Derek decided he had pushed Reid too far, he would let the man talk when he was sober. </p><p>"Shhh okay baby, it's okay.  I'm here, pretty boy."  Derek crooned, brushing Spencer's hair with his fingers in a soothing manner. </p><p>"Don't tell Derek.."  Spencer murmured.</p><p>"What?"  Derek asked, an eyebrow raised.</p><p>"Don't tell him- my mom..  It will.. stress him out..  He's been mad with me..  I messed up.."  Spencer cried out before falling limp into the sofa.</p><p>Derek sighed out, he really fucked up.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Ugghhh"  Spencer groaned out , rubbing his head as he sat up on the sofa.</p><p>"Here baby, it'll help.."  Derek said softly, handing Spencer Advil and a cup of hot coffee, only two teaspoons of sugar, just how he likes it, despite the popular belief among those who know him that he actually enjoys the sugar loaded coffee he drinks to battle his exhaustion due to his insomnia.</p><p>"Thanks.."  Spencer whispered before popping the pills in his mouth and taking two large gulps of the slightly sweetened drink. </p><p>"I'm so sorry, Spencer.  I don't have an excuse for hitting you, I'll never do it again.  I spent this morning looking for a therapist who specializes in anger management.  I hate the way I made you feel, I'm sorry.  I think you should talk to someone about it, like someone from the team.  I get it if you want to stay with one of them."  Derek said honestly, he wasn't asking for forgiveness, but he needed to say it.</p><p>"I know..  I forgive you Derek, I know you didn't mean to.  I don't want to get the team involved, I know this was an accident"  Spencer mumbled into his cup, not meeting Derek's eyes.</p><p>"Your mom, you told me she tried to leave you."  Derek said softly, gently cupping one of Spencer's hands in his own.</p><p>"She tried to kill herself two nights ago.  Yesterday I woke up to a call with the news, when they tried to calm her down by mentioning me, it had the opposite effect, she didn't know who I was.  They aren't sure I should even visit her yet."  Spencer said quietly, softly closing his eyes as he spoke.</p><p>"Oh, baby...  Why wouldn't you tell me?" </p><p>"I didn't want to stress you out even more.  We haven't been in the best place for.. awhile."  Spencer said sadly.</p><p>"I'll fix this, Spencer.  I'm here for you, every step of the way, I'll make it up to you.  I'm sorry I yelled at you..  I'm sorry I hit you.  It'll never happen again."  Derek swore.</p><p>"I know."  Spencer said.</p><p>He wasn't sure if he did know, a part inside himself, deep down, wondered if that really was the only time Derek would hit him.  He loved him, he wouldn't let this tear them apart, but he wished he knew how long it would take for the phantom sting on his cheek to fade.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>3 months after Derek hit Spencer.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so I randomly got inspiration to add another chapter to this.  I also went through the first chapter and edited A LOT and even added some more content to it, so if you want to take a look at that one again before you read this, it would be cool.  I always felt very 'meh' over this work, but I'm very happy with it now.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Waking up, Spencer didn't expect to be alone.  He wasn't when he'd fallen asleep in his lovers strong, dark arms.  He rubbed his eyes and sat up, glancing at the clock beside the bed to see it was only 3:21 in the morning.  That was odd, it was Saturday, Derek would have woken him if he was called off to consult on a case.  Sliding out of bed, he wrapped himself in one of his many cardigans and softly padded into the living room, finding Derek sitting on the sofa, watching the news.</p><p>"Derek?"  He asked tiredly, taking a seat next to his boyfriend.  "What are-" he yawned, "you doing?" </p><p>"I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, figured I'd see if there's anything meaningful going on."  He answered, gesturing towards the TV.  Spencer blinked.</p><p>"You won't get back to sleep staring at a screen, come back to bed with me?"  Spencer asked, running his thin and long fingers down Derek's arm comfortingly.</p><p>Derek sighed and shook his head, "Toady is three months."  He said, though Spencer was still tired and couldn't quite understand what Derek meant.  "Hmm?"  He hummed, prompting further explanation from his lover.</p><p>"Today is three months since I hit you."</p><p>Spencer pulled his hand away from Derek and simply stared for a moment.  Suddenly, he didn't feel so tired anymore.  "Derek-"</p><p>"I punched a wall during this last case."  Derek continued, as if it was an explanation.  "We all wanted to, it's always harder when it's kids."  Spencer consoled.</p><p>"I haven't hit a wall since that night,"  Derek turned to look at Spencer, cupping the side of his face which had been lit red 3 months ago, "when I hit you..  This case- it was hard, but I couldn't help it- I was so frustrated.."</p><p>Spencer stayed silent, knowing his love needed to get this out.  "What if the next time I feel like that, it's not a wall, but it's you I'm hurting..  again?"</p><p>Spencer gasped, he had no idea Derek was still carrying this guilt.  Ever since that incident, Derek had been nothing but overly tender and doting on Spencer, even began seeing someone for anger management.  He wasn't even rough in the bedroom anymore, not even when Spencer asked for it.  The genius knew that Derek scared himself more than Spencer when he'd struck him, but his actions had proven his sorrow and regret.  He wasn't abusive and he'd never even asked Spencer to stay with him after that, if anything, he'd spent the first month since then pushing Spencer away out of fear of hurting him.</p><p>"You won't hurt me again.  What happened was a bad accident, but that's all it was; an accident.  You've done nothing but beat yourself up over something I've forgiven you for."</p><p>Derek retracted his hand from Spencer's face and instead gripped the boys cold, bony hands in his own.  "Maybe you shouldn't have forgiven me, especially not as quickly as you did.  What I did- it was- I don't want to be like<em> him</em>."</p><p>Spencer's hands twitched in his at that.  His eyes turned hard, determined.  "You're nothing like him, Derek.  In a moment of built up frustration, anger, and sorrow, you accidentally snapped and hit me.  Yes, it was wrong, I won't deny that or excuse what you did.  I have forgiven you though, you've done nothing but work at bettering yourself for the both of us, you've proven time and time again that what happened was never supposed to.  There is no similarity between what you did that night, and what he did to you when you were young."</p><p>At Derek's unconvinced look, Spencer continued.  "You are nothing like Buford.  He preyed upon vulnerable boys who needed a father figure and used them for his sick, selfish and harmful desires.  There is no correlation, don't start comparing yourself to him because of an accident that is in no way related to what he did to you.  Do you understand me?"</p><p>Derek nodded his head before pulling Spencer closer so the lithe genius was almost in his lap.  "I don't know how to fix what I did, Spencer."  He murmured into his younger boyfriends neck.</p><p>Spencer brought his hand to the back of Derek's shaved head, pushing him closer into the crook of his neck as he exhaled.  "You already have, I promise you have.  I trust you."</p><p>"You shouldn't.  You deserve so much better, you deserve someone who wouldn't ever hurt you, wouldn't even dare lift a finger at you."  Derek held the genius tighter, like he was trying to savor the feeling.  Spencer was starting to feel unease creep up within himself, this was starting to feel too much like goodbye, like abandonment.</p><p>"You didn't mean to.  I'm happy with you, I love you.  I don't want anyone else."  Spencer whispered.  All Derek did was shake his head against Spencer, spreading a wetness from his face, his tears.  Spencer closed his eyes tight and willed away his fears, this wasn't goodbye, Derek wouldn't do that to him.</p><p>"I think I should stay with a friend for awhile."  Derek whispered.</p><p>Spencer felt his heart shatter, his body filling with a cold dread.  "No."  He choked out, resting his cheek against Derek's head, closing his eyes to prevent tears from escaping.</p><p>"I think it would be best."  Derek said, sounding broken.</p><p>"Please don't- don't leave me."  Spencer tried again, pulling Derek's head up to look him in the eye.</p><p>"I don't want to hurt you again.  I need to leave, Spencer, I don't trust myself anymore."</p><p>"No, please.  Derek- I can't- don't leave me.."  Spencer pleaded, grabbing Derek's face and pressing his mouth against his lover.</p><p>Derek met him back with the same passion, savoring the sweetness from his pretty boy, always so sweet.  He couldn't stop himself from feeling over his lithe lover, pulling the genius closer.  Spencer pressed himself completely against his older lover, desperate to stay close to the man he loves, to keep him.  Too soon, Derek pulled away, leaving them both gasping for breath.  "Spencer-"</p><p>"No!  Derek, don't do this..  I get to decide what's good for me.  If you can honestly tell me you <em>want </em>to leave, then you can.  Otherwise, please just trust me when I tell you that the worst thing you could do to me is leave."  Spencer's tone was pleading.</p><p>Before Derek could say anything else, Spencer was guiding his large, dark, calloused hand to his own thin chest, holding it against his rapidly beating heart.  "I can't take that.  I can't lose you, not like this.  I've forgiven you, I know it won't happen again, don't let your guilt ruin the best thing to happen to us, please.  Just- please.."  Spencer sounded broken inside, almost hysterical.  His voice caused Derek's guilt to grow, but for a different reason now.</p><p>He'd been obsessing over an accident to the point that he was actually going to leave Spencer and lose the only good thing in his life.</p><p>Derek buried his free hand in Spencer's curls, "Okay, okay..  Shhh baby."  Derek cooed, pressing their foreheads together.  "I- I won't leave, but Spencer..  If I ever even raise a finger at you again, you need to leave me.  Promise me you'll leave."</p><p>Spencer released a heavy breath, he was sure he wouldn't leave Derek, even if he raised a hand at him, only if he were to strike him again, even then, it would difficult.  Right now, he needed to assure Derek that he could protect himself just as much as he was sure that his lover would never hurt him again.</p><p>"I promise.  You won't, though."  Spencer said honestly, kissing Derek one again, this time it was much slower, less desperate.</p><p>"I don't want to hurt you."  Derek whispered.</p><p>"You won't."  Spencer promised, nuzzling Derek's neck with his face.  "Come back to bed, Der, please."</p><p>Spencer stood and lead his lover back to their bedroom where he could be safely wrapped in his love's arms.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Derek woke up to the sound of crying, something he'd never get used to.  He blinked himself awake and turned to look at his young lover, curled up facing away from Derek.  He was about to wake the boy, assuming he'd been in the middle of a nightmare until he saw that his eyes were open.  "Spencer- what's wrong?"  He asked, wrapping his hand around Spencer's arm to turn him onto his back so that he could properly see him.  Spencer didn't reply, he just closed his eyes and shook his head, his body trembling.</p><p>"Baby, talk to me."  He urged, cupping Spencer's face.  Spencer looked at him before closing his eyes again and putting a hand over his mouth to muffle his cries.  "Hey, hey.  None of that, I'm here baby, you just need to tell me what's wrong."  Derek tried again, grabbing Spencer's hand from his mouth and placing a gentle kiss to his boyfriends tear-streaked cheek.</p><p>"Y-you actually do want to leave me..  don't you?"  Spencer sobbed out, refusing to open his eyes.</p><p>"What?  I- Oh no..  Pretty boy, I never wanted to leave, I was just in my head about it and was terrified that I'd hurt you again.  You're the best thing to ever happen to me and I never want to harm you.  I'm not going anywhere as long as you'll have me."  Derek insisted, gripping Spencer's hand tightly.</p><p>Spencer nodded and turned away again, pulling his hand from Derek's.  He could feel his lovers stare but he only curled in tighter on himself, unable to look at the man.  "Spencer, I mean it.  I'm not leaving you."  Derek tried again, but he didn't get any form of response from the lithe man.</p><p>Derek knew he'd fucked up, now that he'd proposed the idea of him leaving, the idea embedded itself deep inside Spencer's mind and brought many of his insecurities and abandonment issues to light.  "You're my heart, Spencer."  He said, running his fingers along Spencer's thin arm.  It was almost daylight out now and there was no way he'd be getting any extra sleep.  He placed a chaste kiss to Reid's shoulder before slowly getting up to start the day.  They had work that day so he figured he'd start some coffee for Spencer while he took his shower.</p><p>Spencer tried to reign in his thoughts, mute the ideas bouncing around in his head.  He tried not to think about Derek leaving him, the man had promised he didn't really want to, but some part of him had to in order to really consider leaving, right?  He didn't know how he was going to handle the work day, let alone a case if one came in.  He pulled himself out of bed and wiped his wet and puffy face before tiredly making his way to his closet.</p><p>They both got ready for work in silence before getting in Derek's truck and taking off to work in an equally silent car ride. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Upon arriving, everyone could already tell there was an odd amount of tension between the two.  They assumed there had been a fight and the boys just needed to sort it out on their own, like they always did.  This was different though, this wasn't about a fight, this was about an accident that happened and had been forgiven 3 months ago, yet was still causing a new form of heartbreak.  Spencer downed another cup of stale coffee from the kitchen before settling into his stacks of paperwork, surely some of it belonged to Emily and Derek, but he couldn't bring himself to care in the moment; not with the way his heart was shattering in his chest.</p><p>Derek went straight to Garcia's lair, she was the only one who could help.  "Welcome my Adonis, what brings you to grace yourself with my presence this early?"  She asked, swiveling her chair around to face him with a bright smile.</p><p>He gave her a quick smile, really just for her benefit.  "Baby girl, you're the only one I could talk to."  He said seriously, brokenly.  </p><p>Her smile vanished and was instead replaced with a look of concern, "What is it?"</p><p>"It's Spencer."</p><p>Her eyes flashed with something fierce.  Ever since the team had discovered their relationship, everyone had given Derek the traditional shovel talk, insistent that he never break their genius's heart.  At the time, no one took the threats too seriously, they all knew they'd never hurt each other.  Derek wondered what the team would do when they found out just how wrong they were.  Derek had harmed Spencer in a way he never imagined and then again 3 months later in another awful way.  Spencer seemed so broken that morning, his sobs couldn't escape Derek's mind.</p><p>"What happened?"  Garcia asked, her voice surprisingly inviting and warm, encouraging.</p><p>"3 months ago, do you remember when I called you and asked you to track him?"  Derek asked, at Garcia's nod he continued without hesitation.  He needed to confess.  "I had been struggling with my anger, I've been seeing a therapist for it since that night.  I needed you to track him because he'd run out of our apartment after I smacked him across the face."</p><p>Garcia gasped and looked at Derek with eyes of determined anger, something he'd never seen directed at him before, but he knew he deserved it.  "You what?"  She hissed, standing from her chair.</p><p>"I hit him, three months ago.  We worked on it, I went to therapy, he forgave me way too soon, scary soon.  I couldn't get past what I'd done-"</p><p>"Good!"  Garcia cut him off, "You hit him!?  I can't believe you waited three months to tell me this. Oh God, and poor Reid hasn't said a word to anyone about it!"</p><p>"That was his decision! I pushed for him to talk to at least one of you on the team about it, but he said it was something between the two of us.  I've been working to makeup for this, not just promise to never do it again and then turn abusive to the only person I've ever truly loved."</p><p>Garcia sighed and her body seemed to slightly relax, "What happened?"  She asked.</p><p>"Last night- well technically this morning- I couldn't stop thinking about how I hurt him and I'm terrified I'll do it again.  I told him I should leave for a bit till I trust myself.  He broke down, started crying, we talked it out more and he showed me how dumb I was being.  It was too late, before we left for work he was crying again, he's convinced I want to leave him.  I've caused him to go back to all of his old fears of abandonment.  I'm not here for you to yell at me for hitting him, I'm here to find out how to fix this."</p><p>Garcia rubbed the space between her furrowed eyebrows, trying to process and think.  "I don't think you can do anything to fix that except give him time.  Show him that you were scared, not that you didn't want him.  You can't just say it.  We haven't had a case come through yet today, maybe talk to bossman about taking Spencer for a long lunch.  If he's forgiven you and you've really been getting help then I don't see the need in causing you further guilt over what sounds like a terrible, but inexcusable, accident."  She patted Derek on the shoulder as he made his leave.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Once lunchtime rolled around, Derek headed over to Spencer's desk.  He'd already had it cleared with Hotch that they could both take a half day and just go home unless a case came in.  Spencer didn't know yet, but Derek wanted to surprise him to an afternoon and evening which would remind the genius how loved he really is.</p><p>"Hey pretty boy, we're going out for lunch."  He said quietly, his hands on Spencer's shoulders.  The genius turned his chair around, seemingly surprised, "What?"</p><p>Derek chuckled and patted Spencer's cheek tenderly. "I'm taking you out, baby," Derek whispered.  "I already got it approved from Hotch."  He added with a smile when Spencer seemed concerned.  At that, Spencer gave a shy smile and stood, following his boyfriend out of the building and towards his truck.  He tried to hide his shock or protests when Derek held the door for him, instead he gently slid inside, buckling up before Derek could tell him to when he hopped into the drivers seat.</p><p>"Where are we going for lunch?"  He asked, fiddling with his messenger bag sat on his lap.  "We have a quick stop before lunch."  Derek said mysteriously, a glint in his eye.</p><p>Spencer eyed him for a moment, "Where?"</p><p>Derek laughed as he made a right turn, "That would ruin the surprise, genius."</p><p>Spencer groaned, earning himself another bark of laughter from his boyfriend.  He couldn't help but smile, Derek seemed so relaxed, more than he had been ever since that night.  It was after a few minutes of comfortable silence that Spencer felt a warm weight land on his thigh.  He looked down to find Derek's hand, gently resting on top of his thigh, not squeezing or even really holding it, just making it's presence known.</p><p>"Both hands on the wheel, Derek."  Spencer chuckled when Derek gave him a particularly sassy side eye as he left his hand on the young mans leg.</p><p>It didn't take long for Spencer to realize that they were driving towards the same park Derek took him after their first date, they watched the night sky together that night, Spencer's head over Derek's strong chest.  Once parked, Derek met Spencer on his side of the truck as he stepped out and gently wrapped his arm around his boyfriends waist to guide him to the same spot they spent their first date in.</p><p>"Why are we here?"  Spencer asked, looking confused, though the pink tint over his cheeks already had Derek's heart fluttering like he was a teenager.</p><p>"After dinner on our first date, I took you to this park and we spent hours laying right here together.  We've not come back since, but I figured today was the best time to do so.  That night, I thought to myself that I could never love anyone more than I did you in that moment."  Derek gripped Spencer's shoulders, eye contact intent, determined. "I was wrong,"  Derek then said, making Spencer gulp with anxiety, impending heartbreak.   </p><p>"because I'm here with you now and I love you even more now than I did that night."  He quickly added, internally crying with relief when Spencer's face turned into adoration.</p><p>"I love you too."  Spencer said, his voice catching in his throat.  Derek noticed how his boyfriends eyes were wet, he knew his were too.</p><p>"Last night I really scared myself with my thoughts.  Thoughts I've internalized since that night instead of talking with you about them.  I hurt you even worse last night than I did three month ago."  He swiped his thumb across Spencer's freshly wet cheek, wiping away the few tears which had successfully fallen. "I said things that I didn't mean because I was terrified I'll end up hurting you again.  I promise you, there isn't a single part of me that wants to leave you, you're the best thing to ever happen to me.  You might not believe me now, but in ten years when we are back in this park with your head on my chest, you'll know.  I promise you'll know."  Derek swore.</p><p>Spencer released a wet laugh, his features graced with a pure smile as he looked at his boyfriend like he was the only thing left in this world.</p><p>"How are you so sure I'll know?"  Spencer asked, expecting a silly response.</p><p>"Because,"  Derek took one step closer, closing any gap between them.  "You'll be my husband."  He said, leaning forward to capture the shocked boys lips in a short kiss.  He released the genius and took a step back while he processed.  After several long moments, Spencer released the breath he'd been holding and smiled.</p><p>"I suppose I will be."  He said, trying to contain his emotions which seemed to be boiling over in the moment.</p><p>Derek laid upon the grass, dragging Spencer down with him to rest his head over his lovers chest.  It was just like their first date, but this time it was better.  They'd been through a lot together, Derek had made his mistakes, but that's what they were, mistakes.  In any other situation, Spencer is sure he would never support someone staying with a partner who had exhibited any form of physical abuse, but what happened with Derek wasn't that.  It was an emotionally hazed moment when the man snapped after weeks of intense stress.  Spencer trusted Derek again, he'd proven himself more than enough.</p><p>This time, as he laid in his love's arms, there was no phantom sting on his cheek or a wonder for if he would be hurt again.  There was only a sense of overwhelming comfort and pure joy. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Important thing I want to say!!!:<br/>If you are in a relationship and your partner is harming you, you should tell a friend or family member and be able to confide in them about it.  I am in no way trying to romanticize abuse, I tried to make it clear how different their situation is from an abusive one.  As someone who had an abusive boyfriend (who I lived with) for 7 months, I know that it can represent itself in many different ways.  There are accidents, sometimes even physical ones, but it's rare that when someone hits you, it'll be the only time; so, I strongly encourage you to seek help from someone in your life or distance yourself from your partner if you have been harmed by them or if they are displaying any signs of abuse or control.  Stay safe babies.</p><p>at this moment, this work is completed, but maybe one day I'll have some inspiration again like I did for this chapter!  I know this probably isn't the work any of you wanted to see get updated, but it's what I had inspiration for.  I promise none of my unfinished fics are being abandoned, I'm just struggling to find the time to write since I'm working nearly full time and have chemotherapy. Thanks for reading!</p><p>Peace and love,<br/>Nei &lt;3</p>
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